one liners

WARNING:  For those with any sort of social scruples or dignity...do not read this post!


I'm in Missouri with my sisters and mother, hence the lack of blog posts this last week.  And when my sisters and I get together, we tend to drop about 15 years in maturity level.  In other words, it's blasted funny-  blasted "Walker sister-gut splitting" funny.

 Too bad the only ones who think we are funny are us.

The past three days have been filled with some hilarious one liners.  One liners that unless you had the entire story, situation, correct room temperature and wind speed, you wouldn't get the joke.

They are so good they have each been repeated at least ten times over, and each time they are followed with the same roaring, sometimes snorting high pitched squealy laughter.   

They are worth writing down for posterity sake.

(for the sake of the guilty, the identity of who said these lines originally will remain secret.)

1.  "Red vines give me gas."

2.  "Your clock is slutty."

3.  "If she mispronounces my name one more time, I'm going to call her Melan-I."

4.  "From the waist down she was built like a wildabeast."

5. "I want to lose 40 pounds in one day."
"Well that leg's going to have to come off."

6.  "One tubby tubby, two tubby tubby."

7.  "That's not her stink eye, that's her pink eye."

8.  "Dang, I parked on the wrong side of Walmart."
"Get back in the car.  I'm not walking across one more parking lot."

9. "Let's try on and model ugly clothes and see who pees their pant in the dressing room first."
"You're going to wear that fluorescent peace sign bikini bottom."
"You'll win."

10.  "We call them squiggers"

11.  "Would you rather....have a big butt or ugly feet.

12.  "Girls...you are embarrassing me.  I can hear you clear over here.  ...and I"m deaf!"

13. "no coppa...no stoppa."

14.  "back massages in the front lead to front massages in the back."

15.  "If mom would have named you that, you would have gotten pregnant in high school for sure."

What to do on a Sunday afternoon

Andrew and I got bored this afternoon and decided that self photography might be fun.

Some shots were obviously more flattering than others.

Love you Andrew. 

I think next week we should try pictures of our feet.

why sometimes I just feel like never making dinner again.

No commentary needed.

home sick

We all have colds.  

All except for my husband who is conveniently being "wined and dined" by a dental supply company in Oregon.  

Lucky him.

We've spent the last few days in our pjs and our house is a wreck of toys, soda cans and used tissues.

My head is full of gunk and I'm having a hard time thinking straight.

I'm hoping the next 5-7 days goes quickly.

The following pictures are pretty good portrayals of how life is going at the Dixon sick house...

why else would Saylor be wearing a cowboy hat and Colby running around with a roll of toilet paper?

We've all gone mad!

Carter doing his best Dementor impersonation.

He tried his darnedest to suck my soul out this morning until I informed him that mom's souls can't be sucked out.

He was disappointed.

Colby was not so lucky, and tried to play dead to avoid the Dementor.

He needs some acting classes.

I got this shot when I told him that dead people can't smile.

I'm glad he survived the soul sucking this time.

I'm partial to his soul.

I came upstairs to Andrew drinking his chocolate milk like this.

 ...becouse, you know, a spoon just isn't fast enough.

Honest, he's asked for his own ladle for his birthday. I'm thinking one of those hats with can holders and straws might be more fitting.

Pre-spew.

We're having to invent our own fun.

The little skate board guys had a great time tumbling down the stairs.

Peace out dude.

(I've got to go blow my nose.)

A mind of it's own

I really need to learn how to do this girl's hair.

It's out of control.

evaluation...request for a pay increase

A few years ago, Steve and I came up with a system to talk about our marriage.  We decided to have periodic evaluations where we could talk frankly about our relationship.

Whether it be good bad or indifferent...we would at least try and talk about our marriage and work out any differences.  Our discussions had to be neutral in the way that the other party had to listen without biased or prejudice....meaning nobody could get upset.

Today, out of the blue, I requested a marital evaluation.  It wasn't for any specific reason, I just wanted to talk.

My loving spouse said and I quote, "You're not asking for a pay increase are you.  Because if you are, I want it submitted in writing."

SOOOOOO.... here it is in writing.

Dr. Steve Dixon,

I am formally, in writing, requesting a pay increase as talked about in our impromptu marital evaluation held in the kitchen of our home on Sunday, May 15 2010 while making cookies. (Let me remind you, the cookies have butterscotch chips in them...your favorite) 

In the past 12 years I feel I have proven myself to be a faithful, hardworking happy wife and I have fulfilled my part of our marital relationship well within a range that could be considered excellent.  To elaborate on this further, I have come up with the following list to show to you the breakdown of these fulfilments.

• Support:  I have supported you in the past twelve years through three higher education degrees, living in three states, numerous jobs and countless church callings.  Although there has been some complaining, it has been minimal and I believe that lately it has been at a twelve year low.  During these twelve years I supported you financially for four of them- the health plan during these four years was awesome by the way.
• Childbearing:  You have four beautiful children...all delivered by me.   The fact that my epidural did not work properly for three of them should be noted and taken into consideration.  I also had to put up with your gagging sounds during these deliveries and the nine months of complaining about watching the "sickest thing you've seen four times."
• Cooking:  You have rarely gone hungry.  The fridge is always full, and at least five times a week dinner is on the table by 6 pm.  I have excelled in the baking portion of this part of my employment and have changed many of my recipes to be "more like your mothers."  The extra tall cinnamon rolls with a one inch layer of frosting is a perfect example of this.  Also please remember the butterscotch chip cookies sitting on the counter upstairs as I write this.  
• Laundry:  I admit I am not perfect at putting clean folded away, but not once have you had to wear dirty underwear in our twelve years of marriage, not once.
• Cleaning:  Our house is never filthy.  It could be considered "lived in" at times, but no where in our marriage ceremony did it mention perfect cleanliness.  Your sheets are changed regularly, your floor is swept at least twice daily and the vacuum and dusting is accomplished when needed.  Only once or twice do I remember you "having" to clean something...and every time you have I praised you as if you had earned the Congressional Medal of Honor.  I scrub the toilets, mop the floors, and clean up after your children.  You practically never do dishes and I remember once you telling me that, "Jill...lets be honest.  I don't do anything to help around here." 
• Household shopping:  I regularly make it to the grocery store and our house is stalked with food and supplies. Because of my attention to detail, we have a three month supply of food and personal items in our home.  I have also been working on our six months of food storage as we have been counseled do by our church leaders.  If there is an emergency, you will have toilet paper, soap, canned green beans and chocolate chips.  You're welcome.
• Nursing:  Our children are well cared for.  They are clean, well mannered (most of the time)  and happy.  In the past three years, I have excelled in the specialty of juvenile diabetes care and must say that the recent A1C in the 7's range should be noted.  I spend most mornings running back and forth to IB Perrine elementary school to take care of our diabetic child, as of yet, he has had no major problems at school.  (At least once a week, while on my diabetes route, I stop by your office for a Soda Run. The women you have working for you should be grateful.  You get grumpy when you are not caffeinated.)
• "Home Dental Assisting":  I clean up after you.  Enough said.
• Frugality:  The past few years I have not been the greatest in this area.  However, whatever I do purchase, I purchase on sale.  I almost always shop from the clearance racks and try my hardest to save money.   Lately I have spent money on myself...clothes, shoes, and jewelry.  It should be taken in to account that this is all for you because I am trying to be the trophy wife you deserve.  I am also trying my hardest to get into my prepregnancy clothes...just to save you money.  Fitting into these clothes again will keep me from yet again purchasing a new wardrobe. (maybe)  
• Yesterday I mowed the lawn. 

In summary, I have heard that a husband's standard of happiness is directly proportional to his wife's happiness.  It would make me extremely happy to have a pay increase.  This pay increase would go towards sustaining your household, dressing and feeding your children, and increasing my ability to improve your life.   If a new pair of shoes is in it for me...all the better.

Sincerely, your "One nail job away from being a high maintenance wife",

Jill Rachelle Dixon

Garden

Well it's in.  Most of it.  All except my tomatoes and peppers.

I spent a few hours this afternoon and evening finishing up the planting.

The peas, onions, potatoes and carrots have been in for a few weeks, but tonight I planted corn, beans and put in a row of marigolds.  I also planted Carter's pumpkin plant from kindergarten, some butternut squash seeds and two zucchini plants.

It was peaceful and quiet working outside.

I now know why my dad loved to garden so much when we were little.

He was away from all of us rowdy kids...and the dishes...and bath time and other stuff.

(just kidding Dad...ok, not really)

Steve had the camera at this point.  

I think the kids were mostly running around crazy and wrecking the house. 

Oh well.

"Really Steve...you took how many pictures of my rear?"

He did redeem himself by taking this jem.

The stripy pjs with matching red crocs make my heart laugh.

I'll post more garden updates and things start growing.

Please grow please!

For the love of the game...or at least for the pizza

To prove to my children one day that we DID take them places when they were little, here are a few pictures of our family "bowling ally" evening last night.

The shoes.

I wish I could own my own pair- really I do.  I think they are pretty stylish. 

Smiles all around.

(love him)

Practicing for the next turn.  His throw needed a little work.

This child was much happier after an a emergency run back home by his mother for insulin.  

One big shot in the arm later...and an infusion set change a few minutes after that, this kid was ready to roll.

Too bad insulin doesn't help your aim. ( or the speed of your ball)

Some pretty special people came with us.

Adore this man.

And this lady too!

Saylor was spoiled and loved the entire time.

(Can't you see it in Saylor's eyes..."MOM!  How dare you not do my hair and then take pictures. Tacky Tacky!")

Does bowling form get better than this???

Hey Colby, keep your eyes on your own road.

Who would put salt on their pizza when mom wasn't looking?

One guess...COLBY!

Ok...the real reason we went to the bowling ally.

Mothers Day

Ahh, Mothers Day.  

The day us women get to celebrate being a mother by ignoring our children.

(ok...not really...but the nap I had today while my children ran wild was awesome.)

 Carter and Colby woke me up first thing this morning holding little jewelry boxes.  

These boys are being trained well.  

To my future daughter-in-laws...  You're welcome. 

It was a beautiful Mother's Day.

I was spoiled and covered in gifts. 

The kids were even good in church.  They all actually sang in sacrament meeting instead of staring blankly like in past years.   Too bad it went down hill when  Colby was taken out by Steve during the closing son of  "Love at Home"

...I laughed at the irony.

I was pampered, given a nap, and was even able to choose all the meals...wait a minute, I do that everyday.

Of all my gifts, my favorite were the hand written, hand made ones from school.

Andrew's rocked.

His Mother's Day Creative Writing went something like this...

Mom I Love You

Outstanding

Terrific

Heroic (which at first glance I thought said Horrific...oops)

Excellent

Restless

I took a picture to prove the Restless part.  (still laughing about it)

I'm not quite sure what he means by this, but I'm taking it as...hardworking.

I think I will help him with his R words for next year.  

Ravishing or Radiant might work...except Radiant is kind of like the pig in Charlotte's Web.  

Never mind. 

This is the next favorite thing Andrew gave me.  It was coupon book for good deeds and chores.

Every page that included a chore had a #1 by the number of times the chore would be done, except this page.

 I love the fact that the #1 was changed to a #50 and then changed to "all."

Sorry Andrew... not pets.

Here is proof that I was spoiled rotten this Mother's Day.

Thank you boys for all your gifts, attention and love.

I am the luckiest mother on earth.

And Carter...your hand print is priceless.  I will love it forever.  

(Thank you for being young and naive enough to think it will be cool for me to hang it in my closet.)

Jill Scout Cookies Sales

Andrew has been bugging me for days...DAYS...to let him sell something to make money for Legos.

He was furious Friday night when I outlawed the idea of selling paper airplanes to neighbor kids.

(I don't want my kids giving up their money for paper, folded or not.)

Saturday morning I told him I would make cookies for him to sell.

Three types of cookies were chosen.

Neighbors were annoyed as early as 9:30 am.

Orders were placed.

16 dozen cookies and 5 hours later, Andrew collected his money.

After he pays tithing, pays me for the chocolate chips and puts half in savings, Andrew has 15 dollars to spend on the Lego set of his choice.

I told him I would do this ONCE a year.  That's it.

Next year....I am raising prices and making Andrew pay for the butter too.

I'll take the letter "M" Pat. M as is Marking...Movement...and Madness.

If this post was a puzzle for Wheel of Fortune it would be one of those with a double meaning and would read something like this..."Leaving your mark(ing)your territory"   Unfortunately I didn't win $25,000, but only walked away with the consolation prize...and I use the term prize lightly.

In every parent's life there comes a time when your child does something so despicable that words can't even express how humiliated you are.   As you hang your head in shame you have thoughts like, "I didn't raise my child this way," and  "Not MY son,  he would never do something like that."  Up to now in the Walker Family, I believe my sister held the title for the "most embarrassing thing my child did" award.  Her experience included a school, a bare bum and a bishops daughter.   That's all the information I will give out to protect the innocent until proven guilty child in question.  I thought her story was HIL..AIR...E...OUS, until now.  Because my son trumped it.

I think parental humiliation comes with steps, kind of like the grieving process.   The steps are not necessarily the same as those associated with grieving, but they are steps just the same.  A parent must experience each step and work through them one by one before they can move on with their so called peaceful- before I had embarrassing children- lives.

Denial:

Andrew after coming inside from playing at the neighborhood park this afternoon:  Hey Mom, I forgot to tell you, Colby pooped and peed outside today.

Me:  You mean he messed his pants?

Andrew:  No, I mean he pooped at the park.

Me:  No he didn't. There is no way.  He wouldn't do that.

Andrew:  Yes, he did.

Me:  When?

Andrew:  A while ago...I forgot to tell you.


Confusion:


Me:  What do you mean you forgot to tell me?  I'll deal with you later.

I then marched around the house for a while wondering what in the world just happened and how I was going to deal with it.   I decided that the best choice was to make Colby show me where he did the deed so I could clean it up the best I could- this is the neighborhood park for heavens sake!  The home owners association has strict rules about dog mess...I'm guessing it applies to human mess too.   I grabbed a wad of Clorox wipes, handed Saylor to Andrew and stomped outside.


Anger:

By the time I crossed the street  and reached Colby I was ready to wring his scrawny underweight toothpick of a neck.  He denied the offense of course, but then fessed up when Carter and the other neighbor kids showed me where "it" was.  I was fuming by then.   Some kids deface their neighborhoods by sticking their hands in wet cement, others by carving their initials in signs or trees...my son chooses to leave a "part of himself" under the play set at the park.

Me:  Colby, why didn't you come home to use the bathroom?

Colby:  I don't know...I had to go bad.


Shame:


I found myself dragging a guilty four year old home in one hand while carrying a "special package" in the other.  This is after I found out from the neighborhood children than Colby had picked up his "stuff" and showed it to everyone with pride.  I'm dying by now-really I am.  I had Colby go inside, I put all the toys back in the garage and the Dixon family was inside for the night.  ...like I was really going to show my face again.  I did however go to the neighbors house with a clean wad of Clorox wipes to clean off a toy car that Colby had been riding in after his "movement of glory."


Acceptance:


Colby spent some serious time in the tub and then was banished to his room.  He feel asleep.  Apparently, he was "pooped."  After his nap, I asked him if he was ever going to "go" outside again.  He said no...but if he did, he would get a bunch of Kleenexes and put "it" in the garbage.  I don't think he quite got the picture.


I'm now trying to laugh about this entire situation.  My mother sure did...she even hit the high pitched gasping for air laugh that is usually reserved for the Walker Christmas white elephant gift exchange.  I'm also hoping my neighbors see the humor and don't ban their children from hanging around the trashy Dixon kids.

And...just chalk this up for another reason we are NOT getting a dog.  Cleaning up after Colby is enough.

for her fans

You know you are out there...and you know you needed a fix.

Saylor Girl is on her way to being six months.  

She's fat.

She's happy.

She's spoiled rotten.

Oh So Glamorous

I don't lead a glamorous life.  Far from it.

In fact, a picture is worth a thousand words here...

(This one is my favorite...notice where the toilet paper roll is.)

But deep inside of me there is a glamorous person SCREAMING to get out...SCREAMING.

To keep her at bay, and from making a scene in public, I tend to have a few things around the house that are girly and fabulous such as...

They help a lot.

And, today I did something that made my glamor heart strings sing with joy. 

(and it didn't even cost a penny)

I cleaned my closet.

...it is even color coded.

I feel like a movie star.

I got rid of all my maternity and other clothes I know I'm not going to wear again.  Then,  I hung up my old "skinny" clothes even though I'm not quite in them yet- for motivational purposes.

I have three large bags to give to the DI, or as Carter says, "the memory stealer store."

Hurray!

Also, for the record, I am not a great "do it yourselfer".  

But I did do this.

I found some jewelry holders at Pottery Barn and decided I could make them for WAY cheaper.
These cost me all but four dollars.

 They are hanging in my oh so glamorous organized girly closet.

Weekend Overview in Short Incomplete Sentances

• The wind. Oh the Idaho wind. Hoping my carrot seeds are still in the ground.
• Baptism for Steve's niece in Utah. Wonderful.
• Ate Chick-Fil-A. Delicious and greasy.
• Shopped in Park City. Clearance heaven. Bought next years clothes for boys. 25% off coupon mixed with only clearance purchases...Awesome. Found a BCBG outlet store. Double Awesome. Wish I would have had a 25% off coupon.
• Spent most of church today in hall with either Saylor or Colby. Wishing church pews had fold out cots for four year olds.
• Colby and I- three hour naps.
• Dinner of lasagna and vegetables. Two of my three sons starved...by choice.
• Tubs, stories, prayers and many many "why are you out of bed again??"
• Worked on church calling and blog invites. (Never switching blog addresses again-too much work)
• Realizing how behind I am for next week and it is only Sunday night.
• Not looking forward to running in the morning. Dang wind.
• Can't believe I'm still tired after three hours nap.