spewing

I've recently found a number of diabetes blogs written by parents of little children with diabetes.

Not quite sure how I feel about them.

You see...I pretend to be normal.  I pretend that everything Steve and I do daily for Carter is "normal" because it is almost 4 1/2 years of "normal" for us.  I often forget that we are not "normal".   What???  Making your child purposely bleed ten times a day isn't normal?


I struggle with these blogs because:

-I try not to dwell on the fact that Carter's pancreas is kaput.  By reading these blogs, I feel like I'm dwelling on something that I do not want to define my child, me or my family.  One blog in particular is fabulously written and has beautiful photographs, but this parent writes about diabetes everyday.  Who am I to fault another parent's coping mechanism?  If this is how this parent gets through her trials- honestly, more power to her.  These parents are amazing.  Not only are they doing a fabulous job of taking care of their diabetic child, but they are educating the world about this disease at the same time!  But for me, if I wrote about diabetes everyday, I think it would put me into a depression.  I would be sitting in a pile of used test strips and empty insulin vials mumbling to myself.  I find sneaking peanut M&M's out of my secret stash a way more useful coping mechanism.

-I find reading other's struggles grating on my soul.  Knowing that others out there are having to live through the fear, worry, stress, sleeplessness, and overall never ending drama of type 1 diabetes is...how do I put this eloquently...BLECH.   Yes, I'm glad I'm not alone, but my heart aches for anyone who has to deal with this.  I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy.  (there were a few girls in high school that called me "a big girl" and even though I obviously haven't fully let it go...I still would never wish diabetes on them. Yes- this last sentence was entered for comic relief.)

-If someone reports better numbers than Carter's I'm too hard on myself.  I beat myself up that I am neglectful or lazy.  (ridiculous, I know...but feelings of inadequacy come quick when you desire perfection.  Carter is worth perfection)  I usually end up teary eyed and whining to Steve that I need to do better.  I then have to give myself the pep talk our endocrinologist always gives us that we are doing a fabulous job.  That, and I eat more M&Ms.

-I'm jealous of new technology that many of these parent's have for their children.  There is a continuous glucose monitor that I covet.  However, I'm also wary of it and it's inadequacies.  Is it worth one more prick in my son's poor scarred rump?  As one diabetic mom put it, "real estate is precious."  There is only so much skin area on a seven year olds backside that can sustain constant pricking and insertions.  I'm nervous of scar tissue and sight infections.  Had the latter once and it was NOT pretty.


I don't know why I'm writing this post.  But it has been in my head for a while and I needed it to be gone.  I needed to spew it so I wouldn't think about it anymore.  That, and I obviously need to spend less time reading diabetes blogs.   Reading cooking blogs makes me way more happy.  That, and putting items in my shopping cart at Pottery Barn Kids and J Crew.  I still get the shopping high, without actually spending money.

...now where are those M&Ms?