what I'm obsessing over today

Little Miss is officially weaned and has been for a week.

I miss it.  

And just not for the snuggly one on one time with my baby (cough cough 14 month old), but for the honest to goodness 500 daily extra calories I can't eat anymore.

I've done weight watchers enough in my life to know exactly how many points I can eat to maintain the weight I am now... and believe you me, it is not very many. 

I like the weight I am right now because I like my clothes and they all fit at the moment.  And I do not want to give up the new Guess jeans I bought in Arizona (not $200--ha ha)

And I'm obsessing over it.

(nothing like having your four year old ask how many point are in his goldfish crackers)

If I stay within my points I feel deprived and starving.  I've been eating for two for a long time and my body is used to the gluttony.

If I go over my points I wallow in my self inflicted pity and guilt.

I wish so much that my self worth, body image and weight were not all mixed together in a messy tangled ball of inadequacy yarn...but they are.

I also wish I could eat a half gallon of chocolate ice cream...but life is not fair.

But...I am trying (the body image thing, not eating the ice cream).  Because I don't want my beautiful perfect daughter to feel the same way about herself as I sometime do about myself.

But........its still hard.

At 1pm this afternoon I had consumed almost three fourths of my allotted points for the day.

And like the caterpillar, I was STILL hungry...or bored...or didn't want to do something constructive...so I wanted to eat.

Ironically though, my days REVOLVE around food. 

Between breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, feeding Saylor (she is not quite up to eating a beef fajita if you know what I mean) and wrapping that all around a diabetic child...I might as well purchase a large parka and move into the refrigerator.

It is almost impossible to not eat all day long around here.

But...I've bought gum...and its helping.

That, and mass (and I mean MASS) quantities of diet caffeinated soda.

For example:

Today I packed Carter's school snacks.

He eats two snacks plus his lunch at school.  His teacher is helping me out with the afternoon snack and to make it easier for her, I make sure everything has the same quantity of carbs.  12 carbs to be exact...because that is what the fruit leathers have.  They cannot be changed, but everything else can.

And people think you won't use what you learned in algebra class.  

I have.  

Thank you Mr. Brulotte.

 19 grams = 12 carbs of Cheese Nips

Now really...do you think I didn't taste test all these snacks?

Of course I did.  And those animal crackers were awesome.

...so here I sit at 17 points thinking about what else I could eat.

Air I guess.

And...because Saylor is awake, I may go buy more caffeine at Sonic's happy hour.

Sweet.