whining

I have to admit, I've been in the middle of a rut the last two weeks...the blues...a funk...down right witchy (if you are my spouse, you have full permission to replace that w with a b, I know I deserve it.)  Blame the weather, blame the mass quantities of brownies I have eaten, blame the alignment of the stars, blame whomever, but I'm waist deep in a pool of my own self pity these days.

It's getting ridiculous.  I've cried almost everyday in the last two weeks and extra on Sundays.  I struggle on Sundays.

Life is cyclic and just like everything else in the universe, I'm following the natural cycle of being up and then down.  My downs are few and far between, but when they come they are mean and deep.   And the deepness can be sticky and hard to climb out of.

The littlest of things has set me into a weeping-bitching fit.   Such as, my husband just mentioning my church music calling yesterday.  I wanted to crawl back into bed and not come out until my release date is announced.  (sounds more like prison sentence than a church calling...feels like one too)  It would be unladylike of me to expound on this one, idol gossip too...so I'll stop on this subject while the stopping's good.  But let me tell you 2 1/2 callings is way more than this mother of four can handle at the moment.   And...I fully realize I just gave up any blessings in heaven by writing this, but for the moment, a laminate floor in my heavenly mansion is a-o-k with this sinner.  Hand scrapped mahogany is overrated and hard to clean anyways.

I'm also struggling with the unknown and soon to be expected.  This is the first year I am in charge of my boys' elementary school science fair.  I'm overwhelmed with what I need to accomplish in the next three weeks, and some of the items on my "check off" list are just too daunting.  Such as, the ominous phrase of "contact the media"- this is killing me.  Things that are outside of my comfort zone, indeed make me stronger, but are really really difficult for me to tackle.  I don't like trying new things-plain and simple.  I keep telling myself that next year will be easier and that I just need to make it through the next three weeks.

...just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

And if the Times News doesn't hear about the science fair this year, I could really give a whip.

But I'm tired of feeling this way.  I'm ready for a little happy.  I'm ready for a morning when my regular routine seems fun again.  I'm ready for a day when my biggest joy isn't the pint of 340 calorie per serving ice cream.  I'm ready to feel like me again-14 or so days of not being me isn't so swell.  I'm ready.

And if I have to go to a tanning bed (so morally against it), take mass quantities of vitamin D or run three miles in 20 degree weather to find me again, I'm going to do it.



However, I did find $22 in the dryer and I organized the boys room today...so maybe things are looking up.


...now off to my little 340 calorie place of happiness.   I think I'm ready to downsize to a little spoon tonight.  Yep...things are looking up.

That, and the ladle is dirty in the dishwasher.