Never quite what I expected

When diabetes joined our family, I counted it as it's own entity.  It was my fourth child.  It was time consuming and brain consuming.  Steve and I felt our life was full, and we didn't think we could ever handle another child.  Three was enough and we were content with our handsome boys.

But...one winter day I saw Steve's niece Jordyn.  She was dark haired and round and fit oh-so-snugly in her infant seat.  My heart ached for another baby.  It was a real, intense longing I hadn't felt in a long time.  Steve took one look at me looking at that baby and he knew it was over.  No matter how full our life was at the time, we could make room for one more.  Saylor was born the next November.  She was the icing on the cake, the finale to our brood, the end all beat all.  She has been a delight like I can not describe.  She has finished off our family in perfect harmony...or I could say she rules with an iron first- mastering her brothers every move.  She is wonderful and I have loved having her be the tail end.  

Last December our family recieved Christmas cards from all over the country and I enjoyed all of them, but one of them struck a cord with me.  It blew me over.  It was a family with five beautiful children.  I saw that picture and a feeling came over me that I had not felt since I looked at that dark haired niece of Steve's.  It was if I had been punched in the chest.  It was that feeling I never expected to feel again- the feeling someone was missing.  

Steve and I had decided after Saylor was born that our family was complete.  He was set in his decision so I didn't mention the feeling I had about more children.  I knew how he felt, but I couldn't stop myself staring at the picture. 

 Five kids? 

 Crazy!  

Less than a week later, Steve come home with a very serious look on his face.  He had been cleaning the office that morning and by chance had been listening to past conference talks.  One of the talks he listened to was about families and the importance of children.

Steve admitted to me he felt we might consider having another child.

I did what any rational woman would do...I bawled.

And then I told him about the picture and how I felt.

This exchange led to many future conversations, discussions, cry sessions, prayers and much contemplating.   And the feelings and emotions tied up in these experiences are very close to my heart.

...and that is how our family finds our life changing for the better (and more complicated) once again.

I am 10 weeks pregnant.

Sick.

Nauseated.

Gaining weight.

Growing out of clothes.

Tired beyond all reason.

"slightly" Moody  (Steve might not agree with the slightly)

Hungry.

Extremely happy.

We told our children a few days ago and they are thrilled...except Carter who admitted to me today that he doesn't want another brother because that brother might be just like Colby.  (Ha!  I would love another one just like Colby!)  Andrew wants a sister so Saylor could have a friend.  Saylor told me she wants two brothers and three sisters.  (Not happening)

I have not seen my doctor yet, but have closely monitored my blood pressure and taken my vitamins religiously.  I'm not planning on going until at least 12 weeks.  (Then maybe they'll count that weight as my starting weight.)   I can't wait to hear that little heart beat and know that all is well.

I must admit, being older this time, I'm more worried about miscarriage and other complications.  I worry about my body being able to handle the stress of pregnancy once again.  But, the feelings I had about his pregnancy were real and I know this is what I'm supposed to be doing.   And, I'm happy to be doing it.